Sorry Cristiano, sorry Lionel... but your easy trebles go to show it's tame in Spain (and these old boys prove it too)
By DES KELLY
It's mediocre. It’s lukewarm, caught in a slump and worse than ever. We are watching an over-inflated celebration of the ordinary.
Welcome to the Barclays Premier League, a competition awash with average teams and average players. At least that’s the argument.
The consensus appears to be that the rival leagues across Europe in Spain and Germany are somehow better, a view that sounds seductive enough. But is it actually true? Throughout the week unflattering comparisons were drawn between our game and the Spanish league. Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid was held up as a shiny example of the kind of pizzazz we are missing, with plenty of justification, it has to be said. The man has magical skills and the physique to apply them.
Simpler: Cristiano Ronaldo is the complete player, but he would have struggled to score 20 hat-tricks in England
Maturing: How much better has Ronaldo actually got since leaving Manchester United?
But something struck me amid all the glowing prose. It was the startling statistic that Ronaldo had scored 20 hat-tricks over in Spain in just three-and-a-half seasons — 17 in the league and three since the turn of the year.
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Even without those nifty upside-down exclamation marks the Spaniards use, it is a remarkable total.
Moreover, this was being held up as evidence of his greatness, rather than an indication that La Liga might be a little weak on strength in depth.
But would Ronaldo have been able to achieve that kind of goal return in the Premier League? In his six years at Old Trafford, he scored just one hat-trick, during a 6-0 victory over Newcastle United in January 2008.
Since my statistical acumen usually extends to the number of fingers I have available, with even simple calculations thrown into chaos by removing one of those digits from a nostril, I asked the wise folk of Opta to provide some more numbers.
They tell me that in La Liga Ronaldo is averaging a goal every 79 minutes. But when he was in the Premier League that ratio was a distinctly lower 173 minutes. So how do we read into this? Is he that much better in Spain than he was here, or is La Liga that much less competitive? The truth lies somewhere in between, no doubt.
Ronaldo’s La Liga hat-trick tally is simply streets ahead of any recorded in Premier League history. Ruud van Nistelrooy has the best hat-tricks per game ratio; he scored five for Manchester United in 150 games. Alan Shearer, the man who holds the record for most Premier League hat-tricks, took 18 years to claim 11 match balls in England’s top flight.
Now look again at Ronaldo’s 17 league hat-tricks in less than one fifth of that time and try to shake the idea he has it easier in Spain?
As for the claims that the Premier League suffers by comparison with its European counterparts, it’s just not true. At the top of La Liga, Barcelona are 12 points clear and the race is done.
In Germany, there is much to admire, but destination of the title is a foregone conclusion there, too, with Bayern Munich 15 points ahead of Borussia Dortmund.
Prolific: But Ruud Van Nistelrooy and Alan Shearer got nowhere near the number of hat-tricks Ronaldo has
Reality check: Ronaldo scored just the one hat-trick at United, in a 6-0 win against Newcastle
Add that the bottom three — Hoffenheim, Augsburg and Greuther Furth — are already cut adrift and the Bundesliga looks about as unpredictable as the Scottish Premier League without Rangers.
Yes, Manchester United are running away with the Premier League, but they are certainly a better team for the addition of the magnificent Robin van Persie. Tottenham Hotspur look more formidable, Arsenal are better, Everton have improved. Liverpool? It depends on the day and it depends on who you ask.
It's over: Barcelona have all but wrapped up La Liga, 12 points ahead of Atletico Madrid and 16 over Real
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The only teams that have been mediocre are Chelsea, the European champions who have spent the entire season torpedoing their own chances, and Manchester City, who appeared bloated with self- satisfaction and complacency after collecting their league crown.
It was easy to be dazzled by the awesome Bernabeu and those white shirts of Madrid in the floodlights, but remember, the only time Ronaldo has won a European Cup was when he was at Old Trafford.
Greaves knows more than most about Gazza's downfall
Jimmy Greaves delivered the most perceptive verdict on Paul Gascoigne’s alcoholism. It brushed away all the faux sentiment and well-meant, publicity-friendly charity, and cut to the core of the matter.
Greaves, the former England, Spurs and Chelsea striker, has battled to avoid the bottle for 34 years and he was brutally honest about Gazza’s psychological weakness and the circus that surrounds him.
He said: ‘People talk glibly about clubbing together and getting him to a rehab centre in Phoenix, Arizona, to help his “recovery”.
‘But people all too often want to help alcoholics at arm’s length, on their own terms. You cannot help an alcoholic on your own terms.
‘There is no recovery from alcoholism. You can recover from a heart attack. You can mend broken bones. But alcoholism is an incredibly complex mental illness that never leaves you. When you are down, when you are lonely, that is when you want a drink the most. And Paul Gascoigne is a very lonely man. That is the heart of the problem.’
Individual effort: Paul Gascoigne can rely on no-one but himself to conquer his demons once and for all
Greaves knows what it takes. Packing Gazza off to Arizona might offer a few weeks’ respite. But it won’t solve the underlying problems.
Gascoigne does not have the bloody-mindedness to stick with any programme, according to Greaves. He will leave rehab as an alcoholic. He won’t be ‘cured’. Gascoigne needs people around him, more than he needs long-distance charity. The drink or the drugs are not killing him as much as the loneliness.
Horrible Holloway lets cat out of the bag
Ian Holloway revels in his quotability. It’s one of the reasons he is so liked by media and fans alike. It is also one of the reasons why he has yet to claim a top management job. And, no, Queens Park Rangers does not count.
Screamer: Ian Holloway thinks intimidating referees is something to strive for
The Crystal Palace boss said he had a mission at Selhurst Park. ‘I think it’s vital we make it a horrible place to come for any referee… It should be almost impossible to get a decision without you moaning like mad at the referee… We’ve got to try and make our place somewhere where it’s almost impossible to give something against us.’
There’s football for you — a tale of intimidation and orchestrated complaint. Stay classy, south London.
It's not just the weather that's warmer in Spain
Contrast of the week; the Real Madrid crowd gives Manchester United’s Ryan Giggs a warm, spontaneous ovation as he takes the field in the Champions League clash at the Bernabeu stadium.
At White Hart Lane 24 hours later, Lyon’s Samuel Umtiti scores a sensational half-volley, a strike so pure it will rank among the goals of the season. But, when he wheels away in delight, a camera catches some snarling oaf making offensive gestures and hurling abuse yards from his face. Maybe the abuser was seeking to make the ground ‘a horrible place’.
Sir Bobby Charlton and Pablo Picasso: the ultimate lookalikes?
In Madrid this week, I took myself off to the magnificent art galleries before the match between Real Madrid and Manchester United and ended up slightly confused. Did Sir Bobby Charlton have a Spanish brother, or was Pablo Picasso a footballer?
Spitting image: Looking at Pablo Picasso and Sir Bobby Charlton it's easy to get confused
Oscar jokes crass
One of the depressing irritations of the technological age is the speed with which ‘jokes’ about genuine tragedies invade our daily lives.
The Oscar Pistorius tale is a miserable one, whatever twists and turns emerge in court. Some of the story doesn’t make sense yet. Families are grieving. But it was still fodder for some grim attempts at instant online humour.
Even the likes of John Cleese, a man who has made me laugh as much as any other in this life, joined the braying mob to make a crack about Pistorius’s absence of legs on Twitter.
Respect: There are some things which even comedians should keep out of the line of fire
Now I love a punchline and appreciate that one person’s wisecrack is another source of misplaced outrage (see my weekly comments section) but I find it easy to draw the line at anything that revels in death. I’m not too comfortable with ‘cripple’ gags, either.
In the past, these remarks were the preserve of the pub bore you would seek to avoid. Now it pops up on your screen without warning. I suppose the secret is to turn the damn computer off and pull the plug out of the wa . . .
England may be smarting... but Gatland has a point
Warren Gatland is from New Zealand. He is also the coach of the Wales team. He will also be in charge of the British and Irish Lions tour of Australia this summer. Gatland didn’t get any of those jobs by pussyfooting around.
But when he suggested he would tread carefully before selecting a large contingent of England players for the Lions tour, the reaction was about as hostile as if he had farted the tune of God Save The Queen.
Gatland is right to think twice. He said: ‘There will be a reasonable contingent of English but that brings a certain element of — how do I say it? — other pressures that come with selecting a lot of English players.
Irresponsible: Manu Tuilagi was reprimanded and fined after jumping from a ferry during the 2011 World Cup
Intelligent: Warren Gatland is not a foolish man to have got to where he has in world rugby
‘People like having a pop at them. It’s just being aware of potential issues that may arise. We know what happened with England at the World Cup and the circus that was created.
‘I’ve just got to be aware of the possibilities that, if there are a number of English players on the tour, the same sort of things could be instigated, through stings through the media or set-ups trying to create controversy.’
Gatland is saying England made fools of themselves at the World Cup 18 months ago, some of the players in the current England side were part of that embarrassing mess, and he’ll be wary of relying on characters that might let him down because he knows full well the media will seize on it.
That makes him a smart man in my book. But Gatland was lectured about how squads should be ‘picked solely on merit’, as if that ever happened. Behaviour, trust, professionalism, discipline are surely part of the mix, especially on a long tour. Put the flags down for a moment and you’ll see it.
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